Finally Weighed In

It was in the evening, so it’s not 100% accurate, but it’s a ball park and I’m okay with that right now. 

I got in a fight with my best friend, Jacob, today. He hates my ED and it really upsets him when I relapse with my cutting. I had been having a snack with my extra calories and as we were fighting, the urge to throw up got stronger and stronger. I ended up purging and there was about a teaspoon of blood in the vomit. This was over 4 hours ago and it still hurts. It scared me a lot, but the (very large) suicidal portion of my brain wanted to keep purging in the hopes that my esophagus would rupture and kill me.

Stats

5′ 6″

108.2

I’m Ready, Depression…

My best friend just randomly stopped talking to me a few days ago and won’t text back. He’s not the only one fading away from me. I feel like such a last priority for everyone in my life, it’s like no one notices me anymore. I felt so empty and alone last night that I relapsed and cut my wrist. Even as I slid the blade across my skin, I couldn’t feel anything. No matter how many times I cut, I couldn’t feel anything except the  sadness and loneliness inside. I don’t know what to do anymore except to keep dieting and hope for some freak accident to kill me so no one can be mad at me for killing myself. I overslept this morning, so I don’t know what I weigh. 

Stats

5′ 6″

Weight unknown 

Completely Drained…

I don’t know what it is, but I’m just totally exhausted today. I walked around school wrapped in a huge blanket today because the cold was causing me so much pain.I sat in English today wearing a thick hoodie, a wool coat, and had the blanket around me. I WAS STILL FREEZING. No matter how much I weigh, I’m ALWAYS cold! Someone,  please explain that to me!

Stats

5′ 6″

110.2 (haven’t weighed in since yesterday, didn’t have time)

I Want To Binge So Badly

I feel like such a complete and utter failure, I ate over my daily limit at dinner. I didn’t even realize what I was doing! I just kind of zoned out and when I came back to reality, my hand was in the chip bag and there was a half-empty juice glass of full-fat coke next to my plate. There’s a voice in my head saying “you’re already over your limit, just go ahead and binge!” and it’s almost impossible not to give in. There’s m&m’s, cheesecake, donuts, ice cream, little chocolate bundt cakes, Little Debbies, Reese’s peanut-butter cups, and these mini apple pie things all just sitting in my kitchen waiting to be devoured.

Stats

5′ 6″

110.2

Freezing My Ass Off

I’m sitting in english and I’m so cold that I have my legs tucked up into my coat and my arms are only out so I can write this. Yesterday was a success, was so far beneath my calorie goal, I allowed myself 1/3 cup of ice cream! My dad brought home a baker’s dozen (13) glazed donuts and it took every ounce of self-control to not binge and purge, I knew that if I even smelled those sweet, delicious calorie-filled, fattening, cellulite inducing little cakes, I wouldn’t be able to stop myself. Then, my dad kept trying to push them on me and telling me to have one. Believe me, I wanted one (or rather, ALL OF THEM), but I refuse to ruin my diet this time.


Stats

5′ 6″

110.2 

Too Hungry To Think Of A Proper Title

Kind of proud of myself, yesterday I only ate a few bites of grilled chicken and less than a half a cup of steamed rice and then 4 bites of cheesecake because my mother wouldn’t stop hounding me about not eating enough. I’m absolutely starving at the moment, so I’m going to have a can of low-cal chicken noodle soup and maybe some crackers. I feel like absolute ass, though. I really need to start taking vitamins again, but they always make me nauseous to the point of vomiting.

Stats

5′ 6″

109.2